Hi Diana and Anne. Thanks for your podcast. I’m writing from Australia and it’s 4am. I wanted to let you know that the podcast has had a really positive impact for me. This is partially because it unsettled me in parts. I noticed that I was struggling with the concept of “forgiveness” when people continue to act in ways that are unhealthy after feedback or where the accumulated burden of incidents are numerous over time. It was much easier for me to work with the concept when the suffering was milder and less emotional or if there were not repeated incidents. I have a friend who has been hurt by her mother’s nasty comments repeatedly over decades. We can both understand how her mother has not been able to manage her emotions and in Rick Hanson’s terms created a brain that is hard wired to being “tricky”. We both feel how sad that is for the mother (and for my friend). As I was doing the practice I realised that I “pushed back” around certain behaviours where there were 4-5 incidents of hurtful behaviour by the mother. But for my friend I imagine there probably have been hundreds, if not thousands, of hurtful comments, non-verbal and actions over the years. So I now recognise more clearly just how much more difficult it is for my friend to “forgive” (but maybe not impossible). I think she is “accepting” that is how her mother is and largely let go and moved on. My friend has made the emotional but courageous decision to estrange herself from her Mother. (BTW for others dealing with similar situations Dr Lindsay Gibson’s book about dealing with Emotionally Immature Parents was very helpful)

The learning that I am engaged about from the podcast is there is enough ambiguity for me in the concept of “forgiveness” that I’m motivated to explore it more and explore my own struggles with it. I am confident that this further exploration of the ambiguity, doubt and push back, will reveal much deeper understanding for me. So sometimes when a new “tip” does not resonate or where I notice I’m discounting the advice, that can be good. It stimulates me to explore the concept further to remove the ambiguity. As a result I am sure I will gain more of what Paul Gilbert refers to as “compassionate wisdom”.

Grateful 🙏!

I do think talking about “forgiveness” in the context of complex trauma is inappropriate. I say this based on some research I did entitled: “Lives unseen: unacknowledged trauma of non-disordered, competent Adult Children Of Parents with a Severe Mental Illness”. My work led me to being invited to write some articles on trauma and grief for mental health practitioners which I then offer to the general public. If people are interested in such topics, they just need to Google my name, Suzette Misrachi..I believe that forgiveness of a perpetrator of abuse, with or without support, whether it is a parental figure or not, is unnecessary and perhaps even unethical or destructive.- particularly if no trauma-informed work has been offered to the survivor of abuse who may be listening to this segment of the summit.